True Stories That Were Too Ridiculous For Historical Movies To Include

War drives technological innovation, and the outbreak of the Cold War at the end of WWII forced both the US and the Soviet Union to spend billions and billions of dollars developing technology to defeat the enemy. This meant that during the 1960s, the CIA tested a variety of projects to give America an edge over the Soviets. Some of these projects were nefarious, like MK Ultra. Others were just silly, like Project Acoustic Kitty. The elevator pitch went something like this: Let's spy on the Soviets with microphones surgically implanted in house cats. 

Using animals for national security purposes is common, but cats are notoriously difficult to train. Even so, the CIA believed that a cat was inconspicuous enough to avoid notice. The bigger problem was designing a functioning recording device that could be implanted inside a cat without harming it. This took about five years to complete. Altogether, the CIA spent $20 million to get their FrankenKitty operational. And on its very first mission, it was run over by a taxi before reaching its target. 

What's the worst part about being stuck in a bunker with Hitler during the fall of Berlin? The fact that he was a substance-using megalomaniac who refused to accept the truth 'til the end? Okay, but what's the second-worst part? He was notoriously gassy. Actual medical records written by the chancellor's private physician Theodor Morrell show that this particular patient sought treatment for both "excessive flatulence" as well as constipation. To treat this, Dr. Morrell prescribed Dr. Koester’s Anti-Gas Pills, a remedy that contained strychnine. It didn't work. 

But it's not just Downfall. Practically zero movies have ever shown Hitler cut one. You can imagine why a serious WWII movie wouldn't have a farty Führer - but the comedies? Seems like somebody should have done it by now.

Roman gladiators weren't just professional warriors who fought for the public's amusement. The best gladiators were something like the professional athletes we have today. When they weren't fighting, they lived in relative comfort and received the best possible medical care. And the most successful gladiators could become so popular that they actually endorsed products, just like a Michael Jordan or a Serena Williams. Gladiators would agree to lend their names to be used on the Roman version of billboards, or they would directly endorse products to the masses before their fights. It's one of the earliest versions of marketing in history. 

The filmmakers behind Gladiator tried to make the film as accurate as possible, and an earlier draft of the script included Maximus endorsing olive oil. But producers eventually decided the scene would have been too jarring to include. "If you cut to Russell Crowe endorsing a chariot or olive oil, that would become parody when in fact it’s true,” said producer Douglas Wick.

Nikola Tesla was a singular genius who's one of the two people responsible for the AC electrical current system we still use today, along with George Westinghouse. But he was also a bona fide eccentric whose habits were unusual even for his time. Whether Tesla's genius derived specifically from his peculiarities is an interesting question for another article, but for now, we're going to focus on just one peculiarity: the pigeon love. 

Tesla devoted his life to his career. He never married and remained celibate throughout his life. But while he was living in New York City, he did form a special bond with the city's pigeon population. Tesla would often feed pigeons in parks and bring injured ones home with him, and he even asked the hotel's chef to concoct a special birdseed mixture for his feathered friends. But Tesla was more than just a pigeon fanatic. At one point, he met and fell in love with a white pigeon whom he saw frequently. “I loved that pigeon as a man loves a woman, and she loved me," he said about her. "As long as I had her, there was a purpose to my life." One night, his avian paramour flew into his hotel room. Tesla believed she was telling him she was about to perish, and then she did. At that point, Tesla knew his life's work was over. 

Unfortunately, the 2020 biopic about the Serbian inventor mentions none of this. It did include a made-up scene in which Tesla and his main rival Thomas Edison have an ice cream fight, though, so it's not like Tesla was married to the truth.  

If there's a theme to this list, it's that people are complex, even historical figures. And Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart is one of the more complicated people in history. He wrote music that's still played centuries later. He also loved bathroom humor. Not only were Mozart's personal letters full of poop jokes, he also wrote songs that elementary schoolers would have loved. In 1991, a Harvard University librarian rediscovered a song Mozart wrote in 1782 titled "Leck Mich Im Arsch," a German expression that roughly means "Kiss My A**." Mozart apparently wrote several songs like this and meant for them to entertain his friends. "Leck Mich Im Arsch" was still included in an 1804 compilation, but the title was changed to "Let Us Be Glad." 

It's understandable why other depictions of Mozart would avoid mentioning these songs, but they would have been more at home in the 1984 dramedy Amadeus. That film portrays Mozart as a genius who's so talented that the rules of decorum don't really apply to him, all of which infuriates his rival Antonio Salieri. It's unfortunate that Mozart's B-sides weren't discovered until seven years after the movie came out. 

Lyndon Baines Johnson gets credit for being one of America's best presidents. His administration helped usher in both the landmark Civil Rights Act of 1964, as well as the Great Society program of domestic policy reforms. But he doesn't get nearly enough recognition for being one of the most colorful characters to ever hold the office. LBJ didn't draw much of a distinction between "work time" and "personal time," and he didn't let such mundane matters as personal hygiene interfere with running the nation. If LBJ had to go to the bathroom during a meeting, the meeting would move into the bathroom with him. Johnson frequently took meetings while on the toilet. In the mornings, he would discuss policy while showering and shaving, totally undressed. He invited his male aides to skinny dip with him in the White House pool. During these sessions he would compare genitalia, referring to his as "Jumbo." In other words, LBJ was our most body-positive president. 

All of this would make for a compelling movie character, yet no depictions of our 36th president mention it. The 2014 drama Selma, about Martin Luther King Jr.'s efforts to pass said Civil Rights legislation, depicted LBJ as a doubter and an obstacle (which scholars called inaccurate).